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like more than a friend.






1. monica visited me this past weekend and life immediately got 10x more wonderful. i tried to show her my version of portland through the few good friends i’ve made here thus far instead of forcing participation in misc plug and play fun time activities. highlights/mvp’s included river swims + sun bathing at rooster rock with launa, michael, and ryan, dinner + dessert with emily, maggie, and christopher, and goo gone delivery + stoop sitting with eddye and bo. fyi, universe: i would not be upset if monica decided to repatriate and make portland her new home.
2. clear skies, deep blue breaths. everyone says i came at the right time. cautiously optimistic.
3. all the murals here feel like they were painted just a few hours before i stumbled upon them. bold, unapologetic fuckers. this one is in southeast and reminds me of bowery & houston.
4. i left my [now discontinued] joe fresh aviators at michael’s 4th of july bbq east of se 82nd, never to be heard from again. rip officer marsh (may 2013 – july 2015). let the record reflect, i am very fond of these classic gold ray-ban aviators and ship most things to my work address.
5. i feel prickly and weird right now and decided that’s okay. quitting, packing, moving, breaking, hurting, healing – an onslaught of all the prickly, weird things all at once (not sure how else i’d be). at least the universe is always in its perfect order even if it doesn’t feel like it, at all.

ha but srsly
he dnt do fancy
been thinking a lot about big love lately, about wanting to give it and get it back just as big in return. i worry that i’m turning into a heart broken pessimist, but i have a hard time imagining anything remotely close to that happening here or just generally, like even in the far off distant future when i feel stronger and more sure of my shit again. but, to be fair, it’s been less than 2 months since jonathan and i broke up, so maybe that’s more of a normal, guarded, self protected, to-be-expected thought pattern than a pessimistic one. i’ve also been thinking a lot about this ikea kitchen island, mid century modern low boy dressers, whether or not i’m killing my fern, losing 10 pounds, not drinking for a few months, 8×10 area rugs, and finding some sweet landscape paintings to hang on my bedroom walls.

yessiree.
amy’s brain.
welcome to the jungle.

ps – where da fuck are all the jews at, portland? goddammit. srsly tho.

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been encountering waves of sadness in the evening, lately. after the emails stop and the east coast crawls into bed and the northwest sun fades, i try to sit with the day, sit with the quiet, sit with whatever’s changed, whatever’s the same, but i just … can’t. i can’t because my mind is a wind tunnel and a wave of doubt and longing and uncertainty and loneliness has just rolled in, consistent and thick and unforgiving and … i know (i know).

it’ll pass.
i’ll come back.
i’ll be better for it.
i’m just in it.

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people say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. i don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. i think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually

feel
the rapture
of being
alive.

joseph campbell, the power of myth

i bet bethany and zovig would agree.

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1.  this is a picture of me all tuckered out. news flash = it’s really difficult to feel fully nested when you’re missing major pieces of furniture and readily accessible funds to do a goddamn thing about it. this being my current steez, i now spend the majority of my penniless down time between non-rent paychecks rearranging all the furniture i do have in an attempt to prove i have autonomy over my own life space, thus pooping myself out on a fairly consistent basis.
2/3.  a few weeks ago, launa invited me to her birthday party on the coast and i said “hell yea” and justin gave me a ride and offered to show me lots of cool, coasty things. to recap, we saw a bunch of rogue sea lions, climbed astoria column, got pizza + beer at fort george brewery, and checked out haystack rock. then we got to launa’s and partied allllll night long. jk. then we got to launa’s and ate chips and chit chatted till like 9:30 and drove home. it. was. awesome.
4.  god bless the internet and its ability to foster deep, genuine relationships. seriously, because of apps like tinder (how i met jonathan) and sites like turntable.fm (how he met launa and justin and a ton of other wonderful pdx people), i moved across the country to a city i’ve visited exactly once and was suddenly blessed with an incredible group of non-work people to befriend and learn from and lean on. just in case no one said it yet today: thank you, internet.
5. the friday before memorial day i attended a killer bbq in northeast where glazed donuts may or may not have been placed on the grill and then topped with grilled pineapple. unconfirmed.

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my first 4 days at work were wonderful. as expected, first names didn’t stick and the place isn’t perfect, but i walked home everyday with a genuine feeling that i belonged and the terrible horrible no good very bad heartache of leaving and accepting 10,000 changes into my life (me = taurus, change = kryptonite) would soon be worth it. then, friday rolled around and everyone started to clear out early for the weekend and this foreign feeling of dread came over me as i realized i’d be spending mine alone. suddenly, “i belong” became “i’m alone” and, before i knew it, tears were welling up at 5pm on a friday on my 5th day of work.

christ.
so soon?
classy.

thankfully, i was intercepted by a divine messenger coworker who was coming over to tell me she was also from indiana (my “about me” bio had just gone out to the entire agency … le sigh) and the second she saw me fighting back tears she knew exactly what was up and pulled me into a nearby conference room. she was kind and didn’t judge me for crying on my 5th day and made me feel better and gave me her cell and suggested we hang out. she said in a few months i’d look back on this day and laugh which reminded me of dan and jay, the two people who kept me laughing when i was knee deep in tragedy.

actual tragedy.
terrible tragedy.
which this was just … not.

so i packed up my things and walked home from my first week feeling both like i belonged and made the right decision but also like i was fucking uncomfortable and sad and lonely. the next morning, i did what i always do when i feel weird for more than 24hrs: something about it. i went to yoga and got coffee and installed a cable modem and texted some friends of friends i was e-introduced to (plus one i made on my own!) to say “hi how are you i’d love to hang out.” within a few hours, i had dinner plans and an art opening to attend and – well, whaddyaknow – i didn’t feel so fucking uncomfortable anymore.

onward.
upward.
fast forward.

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ever since emily came to visit last week and lit up my whole world by hanging out with me in the east village for a few sweet afternoon hours, i’ve had this nonstop craving for [waaaaay better than just, like, pretty good] coffee and can now only bring myself to drink a+ premium cups before i head to the top shelf roasting motherland. would drink again highlights of this totally impromptu bougie nyc coffee tour include:

third rail
strangeways
box kite
hi-collar
abraço
la colombe

peace ♥ caffeine.

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there’s no way i was born to just pay bills and die.

– hermi blutsauger

an update, perhaps? well, since last friday my days have been a beautiful blur of not working, cleaning, cleansing, practicing, packing, snacking, selling, cycling, post liking. i’m having such a blissful good in between time that i almost want to say “i don’t want this part to end,” but that would be a lie because in blurry big picture actuality, i DO want this part to end so i can move to portland and start my job and lease an apartment and find good peoples and forge genuine, long lasting friendships and try my damnedest at long distance and eat all the things and bike all the lanes and slowly piece together a life of obnoxious to some loud laughs and freckled woodblock chocolate ice cream and non-stop marshydog™ sightings. that being said, i want the record to hereby reflect that i would be the most f-ing joyful and productive housewife this world has ever known. okay? cool. thank you.

{and let us say, “amen”}

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1.  happiness is canceling all my weekend plans, hopping on a plane to portland with less than 24 hours notice, and waking up with the next day’s sun in a hotel king bed next to this guy.
2.  the ace portland is everything i expected, old timey photo booth next to repurposed wood coffee table covered in meticulously unarranged succulents and mason jar terrariums included.
3.  i’m worried i won’t be able to wear converse at my new job. if you’re reading this and can confirm one way or the other, please kindly let me know. the operative word here being “kindly” because if the answer is “nope, ditch those bad boys” i may need a moment. this vvv strong, stubborn, and sensitive taurus can only handle so much unmedicated life change all at once.
4.  it’s getting hard to tell people i’m moving across the country and doing long distance with jonathan when the nearly universal response is “i never thought you’d leave new york. have you ever been to portland? long distance is so hard.” god bless the special few that fill up with pride and exclaim, “that’s awesome! i can totally see you there. ooO long distance sex is amazing!”
5.  fuck fuck fuck i’m almost 29 and i still don’t know how to cook a god damn fucking thing shit.
6.  friday, march 27 is both my last day at work and [what would have been] my dad’s 66th birthday. i keep thinking how much he would have loved jonathan and what huge kicks they’d get out of each other. i bet if he knew where i was headed, he’d be proud of me and thrilled i was moving closer to la la land (“los angeles” in kim-speak). i bet he’d be really proud of me.

*this post is brought you by a recent trip to portland to interview for my dream job.
spoiler alert: it went well.

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it is perhaps when our lives are at their most problematic that we are likely to be most receptive to beautiful things.

alain de botton, the architecture of happiness

i’ve been struggling with a triple dose of severely limited attention span + blogger’s block + work life imbalance since mid december, but i wanted to tell you that i miss you so much it aches, i think about blogging (and the act of not blogging) everyday, and i finally figured out this year’s three word thesis:

go through it.

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“in the 2000s, there will be only answers. the demand will be such that there will only be answers. all texts will be answers, in fact. i believe that man will be literally drowned in information, in constant information. about his body, his corporeal future, his health, his family life, his salary, his leisure. it’s not far from a nightmare. there will be nobody reading anymore.”

in 1985, marguerite duras gave her predictions for the future to the french publication les inrocks and the translation is as prophetic as it is poetic. i haven’t finished a book in years.

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1.  i’ve been meaning to try sweetgreen for almost a year now. i first read about it in grub street’s roundup of new healthy nyc restaurants (also how i got hooked on dimes) and finally managed to swing by over thanksgiving. i went for the ever-popular kale chicken cesear because the guy in front of me ordered it and he seemed to know what was up. good stuff. did not regret.
2.  have you heard of @coffeenclothes? it’s this instagram account run by @ryyyguy and it’s photos of exactly what it sounds like … coffee n’ clothes. i really want to be on it, but every time i think to take a photo i’m usually (a) not wearing anything interesting (b) done with my coffee (c) both. i thought my leopard print whynot entry was a solid contender, but – alas – no dice.
3.  it wouldn’t be a proper amy’s list without at least one dog pic, now would it? big ups to buddy the big blue bottle dog for being fidgety and helping me maintain dog person status elite.
4.  last friday was jwt’s annual holiday party and, much to the dismay of many, it was held in a strange, far away place called “brooklyn.” thankfully, the city folk groans died down after a few open bar drinks were had and people let the good lumberjack themed times roll. sidebar = i made a lil’ website for it so all 200 jwt offices around the world could party along via #jwt150 (the party coincided with jwt’s 150th anniversary). awww look, everyone. baby’s first microsite.
5.  oh, and morgenstern’s is making the only ice cream that matters. 2014 flavor collabs, son.

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go outside of yourself.
look at yourself walking down the street.
make yourself tumble on a stone and fall.
watch it.
watch other people looking.
observe carefully how you fall.
how long it takes and in what rhythm you fall.
observe as seeing a slow motion film.

yoko ono, 1964 spring

ps – the quotes above were generated by what-would-i-say.com. if you have to come into work tomorrow and need a delightful time suck to get you through the [inevitably quiet and totally ghost town-y] day, i highly recommend a gander over there. spot on stuff.

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have nothing to do on a wednesday night …

6:15 = stop by looks salon for a nearly painless eyebrow threading.
6:30 = pop into 16 handles and taste a bunch of fro-yo without actually buying anything.
6:45 = take a seat at b&h dairy and have the grilled cheese and tomato soup special.
7:15 = hit up davey’s ice cream and purchase a cup of hot chocolate to go.
7:30 = walk into lulu nails and get a pedicure while sipping on said hot chocolate.
9:15 = go to bed.*

* based on a true story.

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i went ahead and added a mystery tee to my first ever cotton bureau purchase because … what’s the saying? live a little? treat yourself? nothing tastes as good as a soft tee feels? trust your life? gotta get up to get down? to the windows? to the walls? till the sweat drips down my tbd cotton bureau mystery tee? … aaaaanyway, i really really really hope i get hayley’s damn tee or nicole’s archer tee or tania’s prove them wrong tee.

any of those,
amongst other things,
would be niiiiice.

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Jerry-Seinfeld-Julia-Louis-Dreyfus-Michael-Richards-and-Jason-Alexander-on-the-set-of-Seinfeld
the greatest thing about manhattan
is the worst thing about manhattan:
self-actualization.

here you will be free
to stretch yourself to your limit,
to find the beach that is yours alone.

but sooner or later
you will be sitting on that beach
wondering what comes next.

zadie smith

dug through my feedly today and was kindly awarded with some slow, magical good vibes from the above two pics and a nice midday zing! from bobby mckenna’s awards page. all in all, a monday well spent in my corner of the internet.

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1.  i flew to california last weekend to partake in hannah and jay’s crazy awesome ojai wedding getaway. thank goodness for love in the age of social media friendship because the moment i instagrammed i was going to ojai, awesomebriancook immediately hit me up with a bunch of killer reccomendations. top of his list was hip vegan which was both hip and vegan.
2.  i need to upgrade my dress-up game stat. my current go to is a black wrap dress + repetto heels + opaque liquid lipstick, but that whole situation is getting super stale. joanna says my power colors are eggplant/emerald and this or this or this might do the trick. ♥ that babe.
3/4.  just realized it’s been quite a long time since i was genuinely wow’d by a landscape view.
5.  took a selfie in my uncle jeff’s house because he, sherry, ben, zach, and andy are such good people and i wanted to remember how good it felt spending time with them in that space.
6.  west coast sun really kicked my fall attitude adjustment into full gear. sup winter. how u?

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1.  momo sushi shack is a rad little restaurant out in bushwick that serves up absurdly delicious sushi (see party bomb and pork betty for reference) alongside super solid life advice. have a lot of [good] sex and eat a lot of [killer] sushi? well well well, don’t mind if i do.
2.  last sunday the weather was so ridiculous outstanding (think crisp air, clear skies, mostly sunny, the works) that jonathan and i decided to long walk from east williamsburg towards manhattan until we reached new york by gehry. sidebar → can we see the muff pleasss?
3.  how i managed to not hear about scott’s annual slice out hunger food bank of nyc $1 pizza extravaganza until this year is BEYOND me. i am forever indebted to amy “i have a lot of opinions about pizza” rothberger for bringing this into my life. bless that pie lovin’ babe.
4.  i’m really into that time of year when the temp drops and the sky turns into windows 95.
5.  jonathan’s disdain for pumpkin flavored shit is giving me liiiiiiiiife. peace love internets.

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last week, david asked me to recount the great passive aggressive work fridge post-it 80s hair band lunch meme war of 2013 and, realizing it’s been over a year since this all went down, i figured now was as good time as any to share with you guys too. so, here it goes:

in august 2013 i started buying a week’s worth of coffee / breakfast / lunch / afternoon snacks from trader joe’s on monday mornings and storing everything in the communal work fridge for affordable healthy lunch optimizing purposes throughout the week (something i used to do when i was a paralegal making $0K a year, living in a hell’s kitchen shoebox diorama, and just, like, trying to do me without incurring crippling credit card debt). this time around, i was conscious people might be put off by someone storing more than a day’s worth of food in a communal work fridge and was also worried lesser than folks might steal some of it (peer on peer crime runs rampant at my office) so i wrote “this belongs to amy marsh. trying to save $$$. midtown lunch is a battlefield. xo, amy” in strong black sharpie on the front of my bag. when i went to get my lunch later that day, i noticed someone had slapped a post-it on my bag that said:

so is the real
estate in this
fridge.
just sayin’

basically, i took the whole thing VERY PERSONALLY (first mistake), got REALLY EMBARRASSED (second mistake), and then got SUPER PISSED (third and final mistake). i felt like this post-it jerk was hiding in plain sight since i had written my full name on the bag and there was no reason he / she couldn’t hit me up in person. after i calmed down, i moved my bag to a less crowded fridge, left the jerky post-it at the scene of the crime, and scribbled the following reply on top:

no name? so lame!
would have been happy
to work something out …
amy.marsh@jwt.com
x7684

when i went back to the war zone fridge later that day, i saw someone had added a “sponsored by passive aggressive notes” post-it into the mix and, within an hour or so, the whole thing started to snowball as people found they could easily riff on “midtown lunch is a battlefield” by designing these totally awesome 80s hair band lunch memes and taping them to the front of the fridge (think “lunch is a battlefield” by pat benatar, “take my lunch away” by berlin, etc.). new memes went up daily for almost 3 months until [sadly] maintenance had to power wash all the fridges in preparation for thanksgiving and everyone forgot about everything.

TLDR THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

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