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we’re just not that into you.
sincerely,
the babies of 1985-2010
- Slash: Paper Under the Knife. New York, NY
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Two weeks ago I met this guy (for anonymity’s sake let’s call him “Charles”) and his friend Wayne at my go-to East Village coffee shop Mudspot. After a brief exchange with Charles, he asked if I had a boyfriend and then for my number. I hesitated aloud – which sounds a lot like “ummmmmm” – as I calculated his percentage of crazy {high % = definite no due to possibility of physical danger, low % = okay to oblige and defer looking like a cynical city bitch until later}. Charles fell in the latter percentile and managed, despite my lackluster attempts to ignore his text, phone call, and voicemail, to convince me to travel above 42nd Street to check out Slash: Paper Under the Knife at MAD the following weekend. As I predicted: great exhibit, good conversation, zero attraction.
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And then something I couldn’t have possibly predicted:
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After mulling over some of the stranger moments of the date later that day (comments like “I wouldn’t exactly call Wayne a friend” and “We both thought hesitating before giving out your number was a great move!”), I decided to do a little research and quickly discovered that Wayne is actually Wayne Elise, a professional within the seduction community who gets paid to teach people the dynamics of effective conversation with strangers (ie how to pick up women). He’s also a contributing author of “The Game.”
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ummmmmm. ….{low %}
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As it turns out, not only is his philosophy very well regarded within this community, it’s also kind of brilliant. Here’s an mp3 of Wayne giving a seminar in Irvine, CA on April 26, 2007.
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I normally take a predisposed disliking to those 1001 bags bags bags boxy bullshit bargain books that clutter the fashion and design sections of most bookstores, but this one looked so classy and kind and clean perched on its McNally Jackson homeshelf that I couldn’t help but give it a chance. Thank goodness I did because, as it turns out, Perfumes: the A-Z guide is frank and funny and fantastic and has become my new twenty four seven three sixty five excessively obsessive till all my brains explode obsession. Turin and Sanchez rate every perfume they featured in the book on a scale of 1 star (avoid) to 5 stars (masterpiece) and their reviews make terrific use of a truly inspired roladex of metaphors and similes. Here’s one of my current favorites:
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Diamonds (Armani): 1 star raspberry vanilla $
When I was four and had a fever, I was prescribed a fruit-flavored liquid antibiotic, of which I had to swallow several tablespoons at a time. It took four adults to restrain me and force it into my mouth while I screamed. It tasted a lot like this. TS
- Good Times. New York, NY
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I never went to my senior prom. I think I was too busy making just above minimum wage in the children’s literature department of an unnamed giant corporate bookstore or taking an obscene amount of time to choose a movie at Hollywood Video or road tripping through Midwestern suburbia to visit random cooljews. Either way, I don’t really feel like I made THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, but I have met several individuals long since I peaced the hell out of John Adams who feel otherwise. G.O…E.A.G.L.E.S..!
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I’m inclined to think, however, that tonight’s culinary adventure might appease these winners (ie people who peaked in high school) because much like senior prom it will also include:
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1. ..faux-comradery with people I will never see again
2. ..disappointment due to massive over-hype
3. ..the near impossibility of ever happening again
4. ..non-stop complaining about the cost
5. ..waking up day of with at least 1 unmanageable pimple
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Well, this morning I woke up with 5, so don’t be too jealous that tonight I’m going here.
- Dr. Demento. Los Angeles, CA
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On Wednesday nights at 6:45pm, I leave my small but totally worth it East Village apartment and spend roughly 1 hour on the streets/bus/subway so I can arrive at 168th & Broadway in time to teach improv comedy to Columbia Medical Students from 8pm to 9:30pm. I usually don’t get back to my apartment until 10:45pm (mostly because I get off the bus at 14th & 3rd Ave and ceremoniously reward myself with a slice of awesome from Milk Bar) only to wake up the next morning at 5:45am so I can be out of my apartment by 6:20am to attend what is, without question, NYC’s finest spin class (Union Square Crunch w/ Ashley Swartz @ 7:00am = holiness next to godliness next to sweatiness).
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Anyway, while the hike to Columbia Med can sometimes make my entire body explode with NY Transit overload, I keep going because it’s unbelievably rewarding and pretty much the only way I can convince my friend Chase to stop studying and hang out with me. Also, there are some fantastic moments of unexpected improv GOLD like the one that happened last night around 9:15pm:
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Me: ..This is a 1 min scene. Your inspiration is pumpkin pie and one of you must die.
Peter 1: ..Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Peter 2: ..What? What’s wrong?
Peter 1: ..I don’t know, but I made you this pie . . . WITH DYNAMITE!
Me: ..and scene.
I spent two weeks trying to identify all the songs on side b of this mixtape (right click and save the link) because I thought it would lead to an all out super stellar music adventure. Unfortunately, it was more like a non-billable epic fail because I got completely stumped by Track 4 (@ 6:53) and Track 10 (@ 20:40) and even the handful of geeky chic music enthusiasts I enlisted for help couldn’t figure them out. If you can, this means you must be something special and I promise to reward you kindly . . . with a .[..S..U..R..]..P..R..I..Z..E..!
- Helvetica Cookies. Beverly Hsu, Dot Com.
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I’m kind of tempted to upload this image to wijot.com, but I don’t think anyone except me [and possibly bubble wrap dude] would appreciate the contribution.
- Emotional Assertive Progressive Disciplined. Architype, Van Doesburg
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This morning, Pentagram’s What Type Are You? Application (password = character) diagnosed me as the hopelessly unappealing Architype Van Doesburg. Their therapist tried to console me that being Architype Van Doesburg means I’m brutally fair and the kind of person who believes all letters should be created equal, but really he was just avoiding the obvious: I’m a total square [divided into a raster of 25 smaller squares].
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Now tell me something I don’t know . . .
