Tag: my so called life

ain’t no mountain.

cervino1
matterhorn1
vagary, n.

the mistake is thinking
there can be an antidote
to the uncertainty.

– david levithan

back in february i chose “go through it” as my 3 word thesis for 2015 (full breakdown of my previous 3 word theses here) and maybe this is one of those “ugh shut up this horoscope could vaguely apply to anyone” eye roll inducing coincidences, but “go through it” has been a really on point personal compass for me. i started thinking about it this morning and realized i’ve gone through a lot of very real [late late 20-something] life shit since february:

interviewing
negotiating my worth
letting go of new york
packing up my life
moving two thousand miles away
finding a new apartment
dating long distancing
breaking up long distance
producing long distance
forming new and meaningful friendships
feeling lost, obnoxious, alone
feeling smart, strong, capable
feeling nothing, something, everything

i get asked uhhhhlot whether i (a) love it here (b) miss new york. i think people really want to hear (a) yes! (b) no!, but neither of those answers feel totally right and i have absolutely no poker face when it comes to my personal life (or filter … sorry family). every time i meet someone new i brace myself for the inquiry and when it inevitably comes up i end up rambling emo-laden nonsense for 15 minutes until something along the lines of “ummm i don’t know i’m ok” blubbers out. the truth is, i can’t answer these questions because i’m not done yet.

i’m going through it.

cash monet.


it’s such a
bore
being always
poor.

– langston hughes, “ennui”

i’m super broke right now and thought i was depressed due to said super broke-ness, but then i found the new chet faker feat. banks and decided i’m not depressed. i’m just experiencing a temporary lack of funds combined with a temporary lack of good new tunes to put on repeat while i try not to buy anything, ever.

update → i just saw a corgi.
so maybe everything’s all right?
idk. you tell me, universe.

you.
tell.
me.

ps – if you’re feeling like throwing money at something, i will happily be your something. $5-$5000. i can untangle your cords. i’d love to untangle your cords.

jurassic brain.

ha but srsly
he dnt do fancy
been thinking a lot about big love lately, about wanting to give it and get it back just as big in return. i worry that i’m turning into a heart broken pessimist, but i have a hard time imagining anything remotely close to that happening here or just generally, like even in the far off distant future when i feel stronger and more sure of my shit again. but, to be fair, it’s been less than 2 months since jonathan and i broke up, so maybe that’s more of a normal, guarded, self protected, to-be-expected thought pattern than a pessimistic one. i’ve also been thinking a lot about this ikea kitchen island, mid century modern low boy dressers, whether or not i’m killing my fern, losing 10 pounds, not drinking for a few months, 8×10 area rugs, and finding some sweet landscape paintings to hang on my bedroom walls.

yessiree.
amy’s brain.
welcome to the jungle.

ps – where da fuck are all the jews at, portland? goddammit. srsly tho.

am blues.

tumblr_nmhd9ofteG1trqmz1o1_1280
tumblr_nmhdgt54Je1trqmz1o1_1280
my first 4 days at work were wonderful. as expected, first names didn’t stick and the place isn’t perfect, but i walked home everyday with a genuine feeling that i belonged and the terrible horrible no good very bad heartache of leaving and accepting 10,000 changes into my life (me = taurus, change = kryptonite) would soon be worth it. then, friday rolled around and everyone started to clear out early for the weekend and this foreign feeling of dread came over me as i realized i’d be spending mine alone. suddenly, “i belong” became “i’m alone” and, before i knew it, tears were welling up at 5pm on a friday on my 5th day of work.

christ.
so soon?
classy.

thankfully, i was intercepted by a divine messenger coworker who was coming over to tell me she was also from indiana (my “about me” bio had just gone out to the entire agency … le sigh) and the second she saw me fighting back tears she knew exactly what was up and pulled me into a nearby conference room. she was kind and didn’t judge me for crying on my 5th day and made me feel better and gave me her cell and suggested we hang out. she said in a few months i’d look back on this day and laugh which reminded me of dan and jay, the two people who kept me laughing when i was knee deep in tragedy.

actual tragedy.
terrible tragedy.
which this was just … not.

so i packed up my things and walked home from my first week feeling both like i belonged and made the right decision but also like i was fucking uncomfortable and sad and lonely. the next morning, i did what i always do when i feel weird for more than 24hrs: something about it. i went to yoga and got coffee and installed a cable modem and texted some friends of friends i was e-introduced to (plus one i made on my own!) to say “hi how are you i’d love to hang out.” within a few hours, i had dinner plans and an art opening to attend and – well, whaddyaknow – i didn’t feel so fucking uncomfortable anymore.

onward.
upward.
fast forward.

next life housewife.

tumblr_nm4tbggMxB1tgvi9no6_1280
tumblr_nm301dX7jD1tgvi9no4_1280
there’s no way i was born to just pay bills and die.

– hermi blutsauger

an update, perhaps? well, since last friday my days have been a beautiful blur of not working, cleaning, cleansing, practicing, packing, snacking, selling, cycling, post liking. i’m having such a blissful good in between time that i almost want to say “i don’t want this part to end,” but that would be a lie because in blurry big picture actuality, i DO want this part to end so i can move to portland and start my job and lease an apartment and find good peoples and forge genuine, long lasting friendships and try my damnedest at long distance and eat all the things and bike all the lanes and slowly piece together a life of obnoxious to some loud laughs and freckled woodblock chocolate ice cream and non-stop marshydog™ sightings. that being said, i want the record to hereby reflect that i would be the most f-ing joyful and productive housewife this world has ever known. okay? cool. thank you.

{and let us say, “amen”}

automated me.

IMG_8122
IMG_8120
IMG_8126
go outside of yourself.
look at yourself walking down the street.
make yourself tumble on a stone and fall.
watch it.
watch other people looking.
observe carefully how you fall.
how long it takes and in what rhythm you fall.
observe as seeing a slow motion film.

– yoko ono, 1964 spring

ps – the quotes above were generated by what-would-i-say.com. if you have to come into work tomorrow and need a delightful time suck to get you through the [inevitably quiet and totally ghost town-y] day, i highly recommend a gander over there. spot on stuff.

do you in 3 hours (or less).

Processed with VSCOcam with k2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with k2 preset
have nothing to do on a wednesday night …

6:15 = stop by looks salon for a nearly painless eyebrow threading.
6:30 = pop into 16 handles and taste a bunch of fro-yo without actually buying anything.
6:45 = take a seat at b&h dairy and have the grilled cheese and tomato soup special.
7:15 = hit up davey’s ice cream and purchase a cup of hot chocolate to go.
7:30 = walk into lulu nails and get a pedicure while sipping on said hot chocolate.
9:15 = go to bed.*

* based on a true story.

ladies night.



the instinct here is to apologize:

for being away
for not posting
for focusing there
for not focusing here
for a busy work week
for a rough personal week
for reading up less
for sleeping in more
for shutting down
for logging off

but, like, for what? for noise? for caveats? for excuses? for sweet sad things we project into our corner of the internet to make ourselves feel a little better about being vulnerable to change and transitioning from one set of patterns to another with less grace and ease and strength than we had hoped for? sounds temping, but i’m going to try something different and resist the knee-jerk apology for once. instead, here are two nice tunes by two nice ladies.

find joy and enjoy.

planet marsh.

pink sky
marry me
i don’t think i’ve ever been on a date where the other person didn’t ask me, “what? what is that? what are you thinking about?” not a huuuuuuge surprise since i make direct eye contact no matter what even when my mind wanders off to planet marsh and the 7-10 things i’m daydreaming about instantly coalesce on top of my [now entirely unreadable] face. i usually try to come up with some sort of “yeaiguessthatmakessense” response, but in the spirit of dating up and honesty and niceness and not giving a shit and doing me and just fucking going for it, my no bullshit response this very second would be:

1. woah woah wow. thanksgiving is, like, tomorrow.
2. will i ever make more $$ w/o being chained to my computerphone miserable?
3. we found love = still wonderful, still don’t give a fuck who i smack danceable.
4. i can’t remember the last book i read. wtfwasit? no. srsly. wtf.
5. ashley and jack black are so right. sometimes you gotta let the led out.
6. if time warner doesn’t fix my internet on thurs, i am out of solutions.
7. grow, marpar, grow. grow the damn thing. good lord they’re adorbs.
8. omg robyn meyer-flay needs to start a video blog right right now.
9. drinking 3 liters of water a day is turning out to be a √+ life decision.
10. bonus points for successfully dressing for the weather.

and / or.

i put the or in work
a creative director walks into the empty conference room i’m sitting in.

cd: they’re in the process of canceling the meeting because the client can’t make it.
me: oh, well. that’s interesting. good to know. thanks for the heads up.
cd: but, you sitting in here, all by yourself, with all this white and your white shirt against the orange … it’s working for you … you look very … important.

scene.

finding five.

IMG_1219
5 ing’s from last week that felt fantastic:

1. sending an “i’m not into you romantically” email instead of going passive aggressively radio silent until – hopefully – the other person forgot i existed and / or stopped trying.
2. posting a #nofilter photo on instagram and discovering an artist i really admire “liked” it.
3. taking my favorite heels to alex so i could keep naomi campbell walking allova town.
4. being asked repeatedly what sports i played in high school (answer: uhhhhh drama club?)
5. graduating from the 3lb to 5lb hand weights at my local synagogue.

waddaboutyou?

friend poll.

i like cause you like me
question = “what do you like?” via text.
time of day = sat, jan 12 @ 10pm est.
reason = ummmmfun.

quiet, david bowie, booties (sb)
songs, stories, american diners (ef)
road trips, pie, laughter (jg)
tight man butts, red wine, feeling safe (ep)
traveling, making movies, swimming (cn)
books, bourbon, candy (cs)
soulcycle, notre dame, traveling (ks)
hilary clinton (st)
bicycles, improv / laughter, interesting and inspiring magazine articles (cs)
loyal friends, beach vacations, walk-in closets (bs)
false eyelashes, pink bras, crab dip (js)
sunshine, ginger chews, salad (su)
being on / by the water, french girls w/ brown hair, wild animal screams / howls / roars / etc. (jk)
you, you, and you! (hm)
book of mormon, coffee, amy marsh (zr)
juggling a soccer ball with a friend or two outside, snekers with dope subtle colors, the feeling after a good swim when it’s hard to lift my own arms up to wash my armpits (nm)
surf, tits, beer (lf)
pancakes for dinner, 80s power ballads, awkward first kisses (lm)
jeopary, baked goods, that feel of “this is exactly where i want to be, what i want to be doing, and who i want to be with right now” (ar)
wheat toast, cigarettes, medium-sized dogs (aj)
nightmare before christmas, dc comics, legos (dg)
my girlfriend, scotch, movies (jj)
mint chocolate chip ice cream, meeting people with passions, the smell of newspapers (sm)
cheese, goats, corby (ni)
getting to the movie theater early, the crunch of wood chips when you walk on them, the shower after a run / lift, MONEY $$$$$ (mc)
bike rides, movies, well-made objects (ps)
the sound of rain on my air conditioner in the window (cs)
i like my friends, i like my cat, and i like mariah carey (bn)
sushi, trying something new, reciprocation (jk)
corgis, kombucha, kindness / consideration (sr)
music that makes the world spin around while i’m lying on the ground, funny ppl, snail mail (ml)
soulcycle, the view from my apartment at sunset on a clear day like today was, how i felt this week, you (dd)

ed. major apologies if my text came off as insincere weirdspam. a few weeks ago, i saw something on the internet that gave me the urge to text people i like and ask, “what do you like?” without context or expectation. i’ve now spent over two hours needle in a haystacking my google reader trying to find the thing that inspired me to do this in the first place, but … of course … nada. aaaaanyway, if you’re at all willing to look like a freaky weirdo via text message, i HIGHLY recommend doing this. each and every response made me laugh and smile and clap my hands together in 1000% joyful agreement. can’t ask for much more outta the weekend than that. also, corby is a dog.

accentuate the positive.

attitude

i took marvin’s reSOULution ride this morning (it’s called a “reSOULultion” because you “resolve” to ride for a brutal 90min instead of the usual 45min). after it was over and i didn’t die, i hopped off my bike, buried my face in a complimentary towel, and – quite unexpectedly – burst into tears. the truth? i don’t know a whole lot about the gritty specifics and logistics of 2013 and it’s frustrating the fuck out of me.…{deep breath, heavy sigh}…but … there’s always a but … i do know some things, better things. for instance, how i felt this morning is how i want to feel all year:

tested.
sweaty.
open.
ready.

and that’s how i’ll get to tomorrow.

c’mon, guys. woo. woo!
happy tomorrow.

looking back.

the bold and the brave
last friday, i decided to be a little bit bold and a little bit brave. this meant combing through my contacts and emailing a small and select (but wise and mighty) group of peers / mentors at the top of my “i have so much respect for what you do and what you’re about” list to let them know i was officially looking for work. wtf / yikes. amirite?

to be perfectly honest, sitting down to recap everything that happened this past year was incredibly cathartic. 2012 was such a wildly empowering and surprising and exciting and scary and surreal 12 months for me. it’s blowing my mind right now that they’re almost over. insane.

anyway, do you want read what i wrote? no? not right now? you’ve got a thing? maybe later? well, according to “the news” i’m a card carrying member of generation overshare, so you don’t have a choice. below is the email in full. MY BLOG.
.

[name] !

i know this is a little random, but i’ve been thinking about you a ton lately and i wanted to update you on how my 2012 went down (or up, depending on your point of view). i’m not sure if you remember, but back in november 2011, after working an exhausting average of 60-80 hrs a week for a year as the executive assistant to the vp of the google creativelab, i decided to take some time off to recharge and only do things i wholly, fully, 1000% completely loved to do. basically, i spent my days practicing yoga, updating my blog, drafting an official ny to do list, leading storytelling field trips at 826nyc, painting axes at best made, developing disposable cameras, turning strangers into friends, and re-falling in love with new york many, many times over. thankfully, only doing things in the pursuit of happiness (and not in the pursuit of answering “soooo, what do YOU do?”) eventually led to happiness as well as an opportunity to help produce a levi’s + intel collaboration. i stayed happy and worked on that project from july 2012 until it launched globally (and successfully) this past month.

the end.
just kidding.

that was just “a lot” and i felt like it needed an ending (thanks for hanging in there). aaaanyway, i wrote you this email because i wanted to say hello (hello!), wish you a happy new year (happy new year!), and let you know i am actively looking for work right now. i’d also like to ask you for a small favor → could you keep me in mind in case anything of the “we need to hire someone smart, funny, enthusiastic, creative, tech-savvy, social-savvy, people-savvy, and just really f-ing organized” variety happens to pop up on your radar?

let me know what you think.
let me know what’s new.

i’d love to hear either (or both!).

xoxo,
amy

ed. this email was written in the spirit of putting it all out there and just going for it.

oh oh oh.

stranger: doing anything for christmas?
stranger: doing anything for the holidays?
stranger: going home for christmas?
stranger: going home for the holidays?
stranger: doing anything different?
stranger: doing anything special?
stranger: oh, really?
stranger: oh, seriously?
stranger: oh.

dear everyone,
e v e r y w h e r e .

stop.

– i’m going to soulcycle
– i’m taking a very long shower
– i’m seeing les miz with chloe
– i’m having breakfast for diner
– i’m drinking a glass of wine
– i’m buying more cold medicine
– i’m repeating repeating the song below
– i’m going to bed, happy and alone

xoxo,
me

how are things?

barbie mitzvah
.
things are okay and i feel like my tectonics are moving and shifting and changing and getting a little bit better every day. for example, i did two thanksgivings this year which was waaaaay more fun than i expected. i made my grandmother’s seventies-era stuffing (it calls for postwar chicken fat and grinding an ENTIRE box of ritz crackers in a food processor). there were a bunch of emails that went back and forth between myself and my mom and my sister where i asked things like “what does sauté mean?” and, not only did they humor me, they also didn’t seem to mind when i got frustrated and yelled at everyone for not replying all.
.
anywho, the first dinner was in the early afternoon at a high school friend of a friend’s upper east side apt where a bunch of white, married twenty-somethings got superfull superfast and passed out in front of a flat screen tv. the second one was in the evening at an 826nyc friend’s upper west side brownstone where her holocaust-surviving german bubbie got superdrunk superfast and told me i was “vonderful.” all in all, i had a blast prepping for the first one and attending the second one.
.
as for fashun, i busted out a dark brownish black printed floor length vintagey dress that i’ve been storing at the back of my closet for just the right occasion and paired it with my cropped leather jacket and combat booties. a 10min wait for the uptown f train was accompanied by a slothy homeless man sitting on the 2nd ave poopdeck staring me down and announcing to no one in particular, “MAN owns woman! MAN owns woman!” over and over and over.
.
success?
success.

believin’ all the hooey.

4893729032_91e5fbf5c6_b
.
“if you haven’t noticed, you are in the midst of a transition that is affecting every single part of your life. come next year, things will look and feel different. it’s as if you are on a trapeze and letting go of one ring to fly and catch the other. be brave.” – horoscope, dec 3
.

and earlier this week . . .
.
me:  yesterday was supposed to be a luck day…
kate:  you can’t believe all that hooey!
me:  i believe a lot of hooey.
.

stovetop 250.


.

things i emailed my family today:
what did you guys do this weekend?
what does saute mean?
where do i buy chicken fat?
.
then i scolded my mom
for not replying all.
dee end.
.

practical magic.

*
.

me:..how was mauritius?
jenny:..i read about seven books.
me:..are you allowed to read on your honeymoon?
jenny:..on the beach during the day this is permitted.
.

my sister, esquire.
.

a box of fucks.

bjarne bare
.

here’s the deal,
we’re all thinking
roughly the same thing:
.
“who the fuck am i becoming?”
“what the fuck am i doing?”
“where the fuck am i going?”
“when the fuck am i moving?”
“why the fuck am i tweeting?”
“how the fuck am i #winning?”
“when mark zuckerberg was my age … ”
.
no judging, but
have you tried calm.com?
it’s really fucking relaxing.
.

what i’m re-reading.

tim etchells
.

thanks to dan’s tue night push,
i finally wrote my futureme letter.
usually, i avoid doing non-cryptic,
straight up personal posts here,
but, like, fuck it.
.
i’m excited to re-read this in 3 years:
.
“ . . . you always told dan that you really just paid it forward during your early 20s and your mid-late 20s were going to be AWESOME. were you right? are your mid-late 20s AWESOME? i hope so, because i’m writing the rest of this letter under the assumption that dan is still your best friend, you made your bed this morning, your mid-late 20s are AWESOME, and you have an extremely rewarding job in a field that makes you very very happy. amy, you must remember the items above are ALWAYS givens. please be sure to change something if that is no longer the case. you need to live a life of givens.”
.