my first 4 days at work were wonderful. as expected, first names didn’t stick and the place isn’t perfect, but i walked home everyday with a genuine feeling that i belonged and the terrible horrible no good very bad heartache of leaving and accepting 10,000 changes into my life (me = taurus, change = kryptonite) would soon be worth it. then, friday rolled around and everyone started to clear out early for the weekend and this foreign feeling of dread came over me as i realized i’d be spending mine alone. suddenly, “i belong” became “i’m alone” and, before i knew it, tears were welling up at 5pm on a friday on my 5th day of work.
thankfully, i was intercepted by a
divine messenger coworker who was coming over to tell me she was also from indiana (my “about me” bio had just gone out to the entire agency … le sigh) and the second she saw me fighting back tears she knew exactly what was up and pulled me into a nearby conference room. she was kind and didn’t judge me for crying on my 5th day and made me feel better and gave me her cell and suggested we hang out. she said in a few months i’d look back on this day and laugh which reminded me of dan and jay, the two people who kept me laughing when i was knee deep in tragedy.
which this was just … not.
so i packed up my things and walked home from my first week feeling both like i belonged and made the right decision but also like i was fucking uncomfortable and sad and lonely. the next morning, i did what i always do when i feel weird for more than 24hrs: something about it. i went to yoga and got coffee and installed a cable modem and texted some friends of friends i was e-introduced to (plus one i made on my own!) to say “hi how are you i’d love to hang out.” within a few hours, i had dinner plans and an art opening to attend and – well, whaddyaknow – i didn’t feel so fucking uncomfortable anymore.