vagary, n.
the mistake is thinking
there can be an antidote
to the uncertainty.
back in february i chose “go through it” as my 3 word thesis for 2015 (full breakdown of my previous 3 word theses here) and maybe this is one of those “ugh shut up this horoscope could vaguely apply to anyone” eye roll inducing coincidences, but “go through it” has been a really on point personal compass for me. i started thinking about it this morning and realized i’ve gone through a lot of very real [late late 20-something] life shit since february:
interviewing
negotiating my worth
letting go of new york
packing up my life
moving two thousand miles away
finding a new apartment
dating long distancing
breaking up long distance
producing long distance
forming new and meaningful friendships
feeling lost, obnoxious, alone
feeling smart, strong, capable
feeling nothing, something, everything
i get asked uhhhhlot whether i (a) love it here (b) miss new york. i think people really want to hear (a) yes! (b) no!, but neither of those answers feel totally right and i have absolutely no poker face when it comes to my personal life (or filter … sorry family). every time i meet someone new i brace myself for the inquiry and when it inevitably comes up i end up rambling emo-laden nonsense for 15 minutes until something along the lines of “ummm i don’t know i’m ok” blubbers out. the truth is, i can’t answer these questions because i’m not done yet.
i’m going through it.