like more than a friend.

Posts tagged uhhhmazing art

as of today, i’ve been here for 6 months. i’m writing this down and because, much like my dad, if i don’t write things down they might as well never happened. it also feels really good to acknowledge all of the choices and changes and miles and minutes and giant leaps and incremental steps and you’re so brave’s and i never thought you’d leave’s and how does this work’s and what the fucking fuck’s and do you have a car’s and where do you live’s and yes yes okay’s and no no not anymore’s that took place between “back then” and “right now.” no judgments, no conclusions … just written and confirmed:

this happened.

news flash:
it all kinda sucks.
deal with it.
don’t become part of it.

wasted rita

i’m sick of this record already
let’s wreck all the preconceived notions they bring to it
check all the baggage or better yet burn it
and start all over again

let’s start with your life as you know it
we’re back in our mothers’ wombs folded like notebooks
we had no idea of all the tote bags and meat hooks
waiting out in the world

one september in boston
i lost the will to live
i was just like an astronaut cut from the ship
floating and waiting to die
i was sick of my ordinary life
i was so sick of ordinary life
i was sick of this ordinary life

the human mind gets sick real easy
the human mind gets way fucking sick of beauty
and i know, and it’s happened to me
again and again
again and again

you’ve gotta make it new
you’ve gotta keep it new to keep it true
and you’re allowed to do anything you’ve gotta do
just cause you’re sick of your ordinary life
doesn’t mean you should bottle up and die
lose your way completely but stay alive

ditty bop sha lang lang
ditty bop sha lang sha ditty lang
ditty bop sha lang lang ditty lang

ezra furman, ordinary life

i took a deep breath
and listened to
the old bray of my heart.
i am. i am. i am.

sylvia plath

september was hard. i got back from switzerland and suddenly found myself refreshingly busy at work, but also entangled in nebulous work politics that left me feeling unsure of my instincts and hesitant in my choices and – this is where things started to unravel – slow to stand up for myself. the stress and anxiety swirled, the sound of an old friend’s voice brought me to tears, and i quietly wondered what i was even doing here. it’s funny. in new york i could only handle 48 hours of feeling weird and uncomfortable before i had to do something about it. in portland? weeks, nearly a month. maybe new york really is faster than portland. maybe new york is already at capacity when it comes to weird and uncomfortable. maybe there’s no difference or reason or rulebook and life is whatever the fuck it is and sometimes things are just hard a little longer than the last time they were hard. okay. so september sucked. so what? when i was ready, i took a deep breath and trusted my instincts and wore a lot of black and put on heels and blasted beyoncé and made it abundantly clear to myself and others:

i am. i am. i am.

vagary, n.

the mistake is thinking
there can be an antidote
to the uncertainty.

david levithan

back in february i chose “go through it” as my 3 word thesis for 2015 (full breakdown of my previous 3 word theses here) and maybe this is one of those “ugh shut up this horoscope could vaguely apply to anyone” eye roll inducing coincidences, but “go through it” has been a really on point personal compass for me. i started thinking about it this morning and realized i’ve gone through a lot of very real [late late 20-something] life shit since february:

negotiating my worth
letting go of new york
packing up my life
moving two thousand miles away
finding a new apartment
dating long distancing
breaking up long distance
producing long distance
forming new and meaningful friendships
feeling lost, obnoxious, alone
feeling smart, strong, capable
feeling nothing, something, everything

i get asked uhhhhlot whether i (a) love it here (b) miss new york. i think people really want to hear (a) yes! (b) no!, but neither of those answers feel totally right and i have absolutely no poker face when it comes to my personal life (or filter … sorry family). every time i meet someone new i brace myself for the inquiry and when it inevitably comes up i end up rambling emo-laden nonsense for 15 minutes until something along the lines of “ummm i don’t know i’m ok” blubbers out. the truth is, i can’t answer these questions because i’m not done yet.

i’m going through it.

ha but srsly
he dnt do fancy
been thinking a lot about big love lately, about wanting to give it and get it back just as big in return. i worry that i’m turning into a heart broken pessimist, but i have a hard time imagining anything remotely close to that happening here or just generally, like even in the far off distant future when i feel stronger and more sure of my shit again. but, to be fair, it’s been less than 2 months since jonathan and i broke up, so maybe that’s more of a normal, guarded, self protected, to-be-expected thought pattern than a pessimistic one. i’ve also been thinking a lot about this ikea kitchen island, mid century modern low boy dressers, whether or not i’m killing my fern, losing 10 pounds, not drinking for a few months, 8×10 area rugs, and finding some sweet landscape paintings to hang on my bedroom walls.

amy’s brain.
welcome to the jungle.

ps – where da fuck are all the jews at, portland? goddammit. srsly tho.


been encountering waves of sadness in the evening, lately. after the emails stop and the east coast crawls into bed and the northwest sun fades, i try to sit with the day, sit with the quiet, sit with whatever’s changed, whatever’s the same, but i just … can’t. i can’t because my mind is a wind tunnel and a wave of doubt and longing and uncertainty and loneliness has just rolled in, consistent and thick and unforgiving and … i know (i know).

it’ll pass.
i’ll come back.
i’ll be better for it.
i’m just in it.


people say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. i don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. i think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually

the rapture
of being

joseph campbell, the power of myth

i bet bethany and zovig would agree.

tycho did a sunrise dj set at burning man on 08.29.14 that started at 5:40am and then posted it to soundcloud 5 days later for the rest of us to enjoy anytime we want because unconditional love and premium ice cream and wild and free internet, y’all.

also on the deep, long playlist front, mixtrss has really been flexing their “30 or so tracks similar to this one awesome track” baby playlist making skills. for those of you into magical internet things that are just plain güüüüd, check out …

this one.
oh and this one.
gah, this one too.

tldr … deyallgüüüüd.

some people make us feel more human and some people make us feel less human and that is a fact as much as gravity is a fact and maybe there are ways to prove it, but the proof of it matters less that the existence of it—how a stranger can show up and look at you and make you make more sense to yourself and the world, even if that sense is extremely fragile and only comes around occasionally and is prone to wander or fade—what matters is that sometimes sense is made between two people and i don’t know if it’s random or there is any kind of order to it, what combinations of people work the best and why and how do we find these people and how do we keep these people around, and i don’t know if it’s chaos or not chaos but it feels like chaos to me so i suppose it is.

– catherine lacey, nobody is ever missing


  1. accepting what you need
  2. communicating what you want
  3. dining, drinking, doing anything really solo
  4. wandering aimlessly with the hopes of getting lost
  5. hot yoga in the summer
  6. calendaring the good stuff too
  7. knowing your neighbors
  8. taking time to clean your apt
  9. being the one who can kill the cockroach (upon request)
  10. texting your parents
  11. cooking for friends and family
  12. buying the ticket
  13. taking the ride
  14. putting on pants sans any hands
  15. leaving a note
  16. googling it
  17. checking the weather before you get dressed