like more than a friend.

the instinct here is to apologize:

for being away
for not posting
for focusing there
for not focusing here
for a busy work week
for a rough personal week
for reading up less
for sleeping in more
for shutting down
for logging off

but, like, for what? for noise? for caveats? for excuses? for sweet sad things we project into our corner of the internet to make ourselves feel a little better about being vulnerable to change and transitioning from one set of patterns to another with less grace and ease and strength than we had hoped for? sounds temping, but i’m going to try something different and resist the knee-jerk apology for once. instead, here are two nice tunes by two nice ladies.

find joy and enjoy.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
1.  this daschund is puddle of brown butter adorb-ness and someone better mop him up asap.
2.  last weekend jonathan and i decided to ditch our very exciting “get dinner somewhere” saturday night plans and busted ass to flushing to catch the last half of the mets-giants game instead. bonus round = that night happened to be fireworks night, so we were handsomely rewarded with a post-game light show + baller top 40 radio dj set. turn down for what, indeed.
3.  thanks to double reco’s from both justine and jeremy, i made sure to hit up kensington market when i was in toronto for justine and emmett’s wedding a few weekends ago. man-o-man there’s much to love about that place → good signs, good foods, good dranks, good vibes, good dogs (see pic 1 above) … something for everyone! or … a lot of stuff just for me!
4.  meet blake aka blako aka blakezilla aka jwt’s super duper flash dev ninja star. he’s the best of the best and led the way as digital production caravan’d from midtown west to north w-burg for our hotly anticipated fancy dance-y summer outing. such ♥ and group hugs in da club.
5.  jonathan and i traded nyc for the city of brotherly love this weekend where joanna played hostess wit da mostess, joelogic played funkmaster witout disaster, and philly played real nice wit a side of water ice. tldr i’ll be holding onto this one for a very long time. #practice

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
1.  the union square greenmarket gets right at my heartstrings every. damn. time. maybe because it reminds me of my hometown farmer’s market where my mom and vivian ran a black market bagel & schmear booth and smuggled skokie’s finest to middle earth america.
2.  this year jkupferman’s 28th birthday fell on a saturday so, to celebrate, we gawked at other people’s dogs, ate separate (but equally delicious) sandwiches, wandered around roosevelt island, rode on a vvv cool tramway, walked foooooorever, napped, carbo-loaded, and saw delta spiritfor free. as jonathan would say, “yeppers. yeshhhhh. would eat again.”
3.  here’s a suggestion → take the 1 train to 191st street and get lost in fort tryon park.
4.  friendly shel silverstein psa → the sidewalk ends around 185th street and the hudson : )
5.  so, i used to think clinton street baking company made the best blueberry pancakes in nyc, but i was wrong. so wrong. they’re actually made by the fine folks of cup & saucer in chinatown. hungry? go now because they close at 7pm which is just like seeeeeriously wtf.
6.  in case you were wondering which nyc street really brings it, the answer is lafayette.

some people make us feel more human and some people make us feel less human and that is a fact as much as gravity is a fact and maybe there are ways to prove it, but the proof of it matters less that the existence of it—how a stranger can show up and look at you and make you make more sense to yourself and the world, even if that sense is extremely fragile and only comes around occasionally and is prone to wander or fade—what matters is that sometimes sense is made between two people and i don’t know if it’s random or there is any kind of order to it, what combinations of people work the best and why and how do we find these people and how do we keep these people around, and i don’t know if it’s chaos or not chaos but it feels like chaos to me so i suppose it is.

– catherine lacey, nobody is ever missing


  1. accepting what you need
  2. communicating what you want
  3. dining, drinking, doing anything really solo
  4. wandering aimlessly with the hopes of getting lost
  5. hot yoga in the summer
  6. calendaring the good stuff too
  7. knowing your neighbors
  8. taking time to clean your apt
  9. being the one who can kill the cockroach (upon request)
  10. texting your parents
  11. cooking for friends and family
  12. buying the ticket
  13. taking the ride
  14. putting on pants sans any hands
  15. leaving a note
  16. googling it
  17. checking the weather before you get dressed

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
1.  still dreaming about the black rice large plate (eggplant, kale gomae, chili cucumber, bonito, sweet potato mash, grapefruit ginger ponzu, hard boiled egg, avocado) from dimes, a new-ish baby chick food spot on the always baller chinatown les border. decided to end a delightfully unorganized sunday there where i easily snagged an open booth-side window seat, sipped on a fennel-ginger lemonade, dug into the latest cherry bombe magazine, texted my mom to find out what foods she craved while she was pregnant with me, squealed when she replied with her first emoji, and watched the world come down from its 4th of july high. tldr = never better.
2.  meet nancy huang, og foodie and luxury w-burg apt hunter extraordinaire. her master bath? en suite. her rooftop grill? gas and communal. her wraparound view? f-ing incredible.
3.  in case you were wondering if i still take random photos of grow nyc vegetables … i do.
4.  on saturday night i took a selfie with the moon. but, like, nbd. stars → they’re just like us!
5.  last weekend i had the supreme pleasure of being my sister’s date to lindsay & michaela’s #bumpercarwedding in dc. long story short, those ladies put the cool in realfuckingcool.

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with m5 preset
1.  toby’s estate is killing it in hefty dogs with major personality waiting for their owners to get coffee so he/she can take them on a walk good times. this guy’s nombre? hombre, obviously.
2/3.  i spent last saturday with wifflegif and company picking strawberries at patty’s berries and bunches in mattituck (population 4219 … in case anyone was wondering). i rarely make weekend plans outside of my 263 block radius, so hitting the open road (driving! in zipcars! with boys!) for some wholesome day tripping was a welcomed change of pace. big ups to tinabeans for cruise directing. her strawberry outfit was the envy of us all. dat hat, yo. srsly.
4.  apologies for getting so lj with my last post. sometimes it’s just a hot, tired, semi-sad tues wherein you feel a lot of feels and post about them on the internet. that’s all. red flags down.
5.  i found a way to work an early morning stroll through tompkins sq park and a pit spot at ninth street on 10th street into my friday therapy / work commute. so, yea. fridays? still good.
6.  that’s wifflegif. he likes: obscure bodega beverages, long walks, animated gifs, his iphone, bonchon chicken, making fun and useful things for people to play with, fat cat, smart effortless music discovery, tri-blend concert tees, obeying crosswalk signs, emojis, me.

a little bummed and uninspired, less confident and clear than i’m used to. i’m stuck in my head and waiting for a sign instead of printing my own. at least i don’t need people telling me you’re okay, it’s okay, we’re okay. heaviness happens, lightness returns. i just really want to get there already (probably why i walk so fucking fast). granted, not updating this thing isn’t helping so that’s one shift i can make. did make.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
1...skies like this make me really miss my bike, specifically that one time molly, candice, and i rode out to rockaway park and sunnied ourselves on candice’s pepto pink beach sheet.
2...lately i’ve been trying to be less judgmental slash put down the haterade and relaaaaaaax. for example, i always assumed toby’s estate was too big, too beautiful, too conveniently located to have both good coffee and reliable wi-fi. turns out i was wrong (i.e. hoorayness). caught in a quickie rainstorm on saturday afternoon while shopping for a little something something (new top? new dress? new shoes? idk sooooooomething) and popped into walter foods to dry off / wait it out / steal an umbrella / have foods. i’m really glad i did because now i can highly recommend the walter breakfast with soft scrambled eggs and bacon (obvs).
4...omg guys bulldog on a skateboard bulldog on a skateboard bulldog on a skateboard.
5/6...on sunday, allie and i went on a lady date whereby i convinced her to take the ferry to governor’s island to check out hammock grove. brb while i look up “worth it” on wikipedia.
7...just a friendly reminder to never move above 14th street … ever.

friend: i’m having some feelings about this. full disclosure my friend wrote it. i think it’s smart and sassy, but i’m still having trouble assigning a value judgment on basic.
me: pls hold while i read this.
friend: kk.
me: i already have my defenses up.
friend: i’m just not sure how i feel about the idea that i might have basic tendencies.
me: according to this article, i am the carrie b of basic b’s. a lil bit of all these except maybe the ues one which i’m pretty sure means i am none of them which also means the idea of having basic tendencies is bunk to me. i have routines and interests, but i don’t have tendencies. just because i like soulcycle and hot yoga doesn’t mean i can’t quote mcluhan and read code.
friend: truth. i can quote mcclanahan, if not mcluhan.

nov. 15, 1971: “it’s that time of year, when ethnic society, homesick for its native accents, gets together to whoop it up,” reported the times … “pepe, as he is called, not only produced a sumptuous buffet, but he also emerged as a superb flamenco dancer. at 2 o’clock in the morning, after having served a breakfast of churros (ropes of cruller-like fried dough) and hot chocolate, pepe danced to the guitars and mandolins, losing his white chef’s toque as he whirled.

may we all lose a toque as we whirl.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset
“more and more i really believe that doing our best isn’t about loving unconditionally but about just saying something truthful. and letting the other person have the rare advantage of knowing what we’re feeling uncloaked, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if the feelings are confused, even if there are conditions. because making things seem uncomplex, making love seem easy and unconditional is just another deception we sweet-talk ourselves into, with all the should-ing that never lasts.

so there i was on the subway, picking feverish fights in my head with some stranger’s self-help book. and feeling like we’re all missing a better point here. a point not about love or conditions but about something simpler. about trying to be good and kind and patient with each other and knowing that there are always conditions, that we’ve all got our knots and bends in our brains, and holes in our hearts.”

jane flanagan

these two paragraphs,
especially that last part
on being kind, having knots.
that’s where i’m keeping things.

for a while.