far in the future, in the year 3050, technology is everywhere. the world is divided into four countries. what we understand as north america is now north technology. no longer do people eat real animals or vegetables. technology creates holographic food and it is all healthy, so things like obesity aren’t a problem anymore. even nature is a thing of the past. trees, plants, flowers are all physical holograms. they look like normal plants and trees but sometimes when it rains or when there are power surges, the holograms flicker, visually and physically. you can see wires inside them as they flicker, or put your hand through them.
on june 12th of 3050, it happened to be the birthday of a girl named delilah. she had brown hair but dyed it black, brown, and blonde so that it was dark at the top and lighter at the bottom. she was average height and had eyes the color of the sky. she normally wore skinny jeans and T-shirts that said things like “thanks for nothing” and “i’m the boss.” frankly, she was kind of a spoiled brat.
delilah lived in a city called techopolis, in a super rich area of town. she had hoped for a big, lavish birthday party, but her parents were so busy working for data, who was the core of the technology of the world, that they couldn’t set it up. but, she did receive a mysterious gift from her grandma, who lived in west technology. delilah was excited because her grandma normally gave her great stuff, but when she opened the package she found an ugly string of little brown dots. she was expecting a beautiful diamond necklace and was so annoyed by the present that she briefly turned into a spoiled brat version of the hulk – without ripping her designer jeans – and threw it out in her backyard.
it rained that night, and in the morning delilah was eating some tech-cakes with scrambled tech-eggs and tech-juice, when she looked out the window and saw a new tree in the backyard. her parents worked in the landscaping department so delilah assumed that they had brought it home. when she finished her breakfast, delilah went out to check it out.
it was about ten feet tall and had luscious, green leaves. she used her iphone 4000s to google what kind of tree it was and discovered that it was a maple tree, which was a type she’d never heard of.
“omt,” she said, which stood for oh my tech, “this is the weirdest tree i’ve ever seen. totally gross.”
delilah was feeling a little sad that night because she didn’t have a very good birthday. she couldn’t sleep and decided to go out in her backyard. she laid down underneath the maple tree, which was now around fourteen feet tall, and fell asleep.
she had a strange dream. the maple tree was there, and its branches tapped her on the shoulder. it pointed and delilah turned to see the past where nature covered the world and how beautiful it was. then the tree pointed in another direction and showed delilah the future, where data had used its technology to rid the world of all of its nature, replacing it with technology. things would be good for a while, but technology will fail to do nature’s job. without any plants and trees the world will fall apart.
delilah woke from her dream and looked up at the maple tree. it had grown to around twenty feet tall and its leaves were all sorts of amazing colors. delilah realized that she had to do something about technology taking over the world.
just then, the trees and plants around her began to flicker. she heard the squeaky, nasal voice of her neighbor, criscelda, say, “looks like another power surge.”
delilah rolled her eyes and saw chrsicelda looking out her window at her. she had a huge nose and looked like a bird-house come to life, with a pile of frizzy, red hair.
“what is thaaaaat?” chriscelda screeched, aiming her telescope at the maple tree. delilah turned and saw that her maple tree wasn’t flickering like the other technological trees.
that’s when delilah realized that this maple tree was real and she wondered if that necklace that her grandmother had sent her was actually a collection of those things she’d heard of – seeds!
“i’m, like, totally calling data,” chriscelda said through her megaphone.
“what do you mean? for what?” delilah said, trying to act like nothing was going on.
just then the doorbell rang, and before delilah could even move to answer the door, data appeared. since he was connected to all of the city’s technology, he transported and stood there in delilah’s backyard. e looked like a regular human but was made out of wires, metal, and glowing lights.
data pointed to the maple tree and said in a deep, robot voice, “illegal.”
“wait,” delilah said, but before she could say anything more, data raised his arms. all of a sudden there was a loud noise and the tree came out of the ground, roots and all, dirty flying everywhere. it just hovered there for a moment and then it was gone. data too.
delilah looked at the hole in her backyard and knew she had to get the tree back.
delilah got on her hoverboard 5000s (with siri) and told it to take her to her parents’ work. she tried to explain to them what had happened but they kept saying, “we’re busy.”
feeling angry that she was being ignored, delilah borrowed her dad’s security card and snuck through the office. in the basement she found a door that had a sign that said, “my room. do not enter. love, data. p.s. you shouldn’t be here anyway, so get lost.”
delilah used the card to get in through the door. she walked down a long staircase that took fifteen minutes to walk down because it was so long. when she got to the bottom she entered a dark room. delilah felt around until she found a light switch and flipped it on.
that’s when she saw hundreds of plants, trees, and flowers, all in glass cases. delilah’s jaw practically dropped to the floor. at the far end of the room she could see data putting her maple tree in its own glass case.
“what the tech is going on?” delilah said.
chriscelda popped out of delilah’s techvillage hand bag and opened her big mouth to say something obnoxious but delilah waved her away, saying, “i don’t have time for you, chriscelda.”
then data whipped his head around and saw delilah.
“what are you doing here? didn’t you see my sign?” data said and zipped over to her.
delilah was scared as data towered over her, staring with his beady, red robot eyes.
“you need to get out of here,” data said. “the extermination is about to begin.”
data zipped across the room and pressed a big, red button. a deafening beeping began.
“wait!” delilah screamed. data pressed a blue button and the beeping stopped.
“what?” he said.
“you can’t destroy all of these trees. the earth is going to need them,” delilah explained. she walked up to data who had his back turned to her.
“i have to,” data said. “technology rules the world now. we can’t have nature anymore.”
“but, hey, we need it,” delilah explained. she could see a sort of sad look on data’s face.
“can i tell you something?” data said.
“um, sure,” delilah replied.
“i’m scared. this nature stuff does things on its own. it does things that i can’t do.”
data’s face suddenly became very angry and he slammed his hand on the red button. the deafening beeping started again and delilah was afraid. she turned and looked at the maple tree. she thought about what would happen in the future and knew what she had to do.
she ran and grabbed a leaf from the maple tree and held it up to data’s face. a single robot tear formed in his eye. while he was distracted, delilah snuck past him and pressed the blue button. she used her techvillage hand bag to smash the button.
“look,” delilah said. “i know how you’re scared of nature, but let’s work together to replant these trees and plants all over the world. technology and nature can work together.”
data thought about it and seemed unsure.
“don’t you see my shirt?” delilah said, pointing to her t-shirt.
“it does say that you’re the boss,” data said. he took a moment to consider what delilah had said and he shrugged.
“deal?” delilah said, and put her foot out.
“uh, nah,” data said, shaking his head.
just then, delilah began to turn into the hulk – without ripping her designer jeans – and data said, “okay, okay, okay! deal.”
delilah turned back into herself. data put his foot out and they tapped their feet together. it was what people did in the future instead of handshaking.
“first things first,” delilah said. “you’re planting that maple tree back in my yard.”
change something, she said.
post a little less, she said.
no one will notice.
let me give you some advice:
try to approach things
without preconceived ideas,
without supposing you already know
everything there is to know about them.
get that trick down and you’ll be surprised
at what’s really all around you.
your iphone pocket-called me the other day.
you were walking.
i could hear your legs moving.
i was in your pants, after all, with the phone.
swip swip. swip swip. swip swip.
very rhythmic. soothing.
i listened in for a while.
i was hoping for a scrap of inappropriate conversation.
i like to overhear things that hurt me.
i got nothing.
you were just going somewhere.
me: truth or dare?
me: who did you kiss at midnight on nye?
me: ME NEITHER!
pg: truth or dare?
pg: draw a face that you would have wanted to kiss at midnight and take a picture of you kissing it.
me: [picture text]
- the joys of repurposing tinder tricks with real friends
i recently discovered that the lobby of the greenwich hotel (as well as the lobby of really any boutique downtown hotel worth its weight in distracted, disinterested, too cool for school let alone giving any fucks whether or not you “belong” there strategic foolery) is actually just an extremely tidy public living room with impeccable ambience, complimentary newspapers, and password-less wifi. pro tip = enter through locanda verde, act like you own the place, park it on some velvet, people watch to infinity, eavesdrop and beyond.
all of this is true and real.
esp 4, 7, 9, 12, 16, 18, 20.
we are all frazzled and unruly, you and me. we are desperate and wistful and restless and funny and frayed at the edges. we can worry that we’re doing it all wrong, we can long for central air or true love or a view of the ocean, and that’s just part of the fucking clown show. we can be ingrates and role models, we can be flinchy and heroic, we can be courageous and also melancholy. there is nothing wrong with feeling unsafe and uncertain. there is nothing wrong with addled, misguided parenting, or self-involved rambling. i give you permission, my friend, to continue on this twisted, sweet path of suffering and satisfaction and distraction. i give you my blessing, my partner in failing at everything. i am witness to your grace and your faltering. i give you my undying love, as you struggle and stutter and the sun falls from the sky.
when the earth stops spinning, we will panic. there is no avoiding it. we’ll be crying and shaking, just like that woman at the side of the road, wondering if we did it the right way. we’ll wonder if we failed ourselves, or failed each other, if we were a big disappointment, in the end.
please remember, we were not a disappointment. not at all, not even close. we were gorgeous and strong, you and me. we were terrible and troubled and utterly divine.
ps – HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ALL CAPS WITH MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS, INTERNET!!!
excessive thumbs up
listing your bbm
the word “beatz”
spelling chris “crihs”
visible cell phone belt clip
unironic ascot wearing
waiting for the path train
failed engagement photos
clip on sunglasses
the vietnam war memorial
dave matthews quotes
posing with your fish
posing with wild animals
multiple cats in one photo
one cat in multiple photos
- amy and i have a lot of opinions about your tinder profile
(1) in october, i bought a block of 20 classes which cost exactly one million dollars. now i go like three times a week. over a year this works out to all the money i can imagine in my brain in one go.
(2) some clothes have a skull on them. it looks like badassery that roller derby girls would be hyped on. and everybody knows roller derby girls are depressing as fuck.
(3) nothing beats soulcycle for dumbing all the way out or re-calibrating a mood in less than an hour which is reassuring since i typically wake up in a panic that’s candy-coated with a low-grade rage.
(4) they also sell you water for $2 but i bring my own because they can fuck themselves straight to hell if they think they’re draining any more goddamned money from me.
(5) most of the instructors are pretty good but i avoid all the ones who like mashups because they’re disgusting monsters who need to pull it together.
(6) you will suck really hard the first five times you go and then you get better. between time one and three you get a lot better while remaining in the suck category … mostly, it’s hard to follow along while you want to barf out of your eye ducts.
(7) soulcycle feels gross, is gross and i’m grateful to have found it.
in all shapes and sizes,
some of them are things
people are scared of.
some of them are things
that look like things
people used to be scared of
a long time ago.
sometimes monsters are things
people should be scared of,
but they aren’t.
yesterday, amy and i (not talking in multiple persons, i have a real life friend named amy who is also smart and funny and resourceful and good at life etc.) took the day off because we both still have lingering vacation days we’re required to take before christmas (xoxo, hr). anyway, in order to maximize a mandatory one day of fun-ness, we did what all tightly wound slash totally game and adventurous women do … we planned.
1. am coffee tawking @ blue bottle
2. brooklyn brunching @ egg
3. aggressive sampling @ mast brothers
4. sketchbook browsing @ brooklyn art library
5. midtown snacking @ little collins
6. big piano playing @ fao schwarz
7. out nerding @ museum of the city of new york
the result was
f l a w l e s s .
first dates are meet and greets. second dates are for getting to know them better. third dates are for getting to know them better. fourth dates are for getting to know them even better. do you get my drift? go on a date expecting nothing more than to meet a new and interesting person. that’s it.
first dates are meet and greets?
holy fucking game changer.
work is important in that way, i guess. it can be, on its best and oddest days, a reminder that, if we’re lucky, we can have some control over our lives, our own little stories, that we can be willful and brave and self-possessed. i still wish, of course, that i could be lazy and shiftless, independently wealthy and obliged to no one’s clock but my own. but as a way of measuring time and experience, work is useful, alternately heartening and frustrating.
we belong together
by throwing shade
but it also conveys a certain universality. when i say, for example, “the talks broke down because politics,” i’m not just describing a circumstance. i’m also describing a category. i’m making grand and yet ironized claims, announcing a situation and commenting on that situation at the same time. i’m offering an explanation and rolling my eyes—and i’m able to do it with one little word.
major @1234KYLE5678 vibes.
british male intern: amy, who’s your celebrity crush?
me: jeff goldblum in independence day right after he and will smith blow up the mothership and they walk side by side through the desert smoking cuban cigars while their women run at them. oh, or ryan gosling at the 2005 mtv movie awards when he and rachel mcadams win best kiss and they reenact the whole thing except this time he grabs her hair a little bit. why? who’s yours?
bmi: the girl from inglorious bastards [googles mélanie laurent].
me: oh, you like baliens.
me: yea, baby aliens.
bmi: what? what is that? a person who looks like a baby and an alien?
me: no, a person who looks like a baby alien. whispy hair, soft face, eyes for days.
bmi: show me another so i know what you’re talking about.
me: [googles amanda seyfried].
bmi: mmmmm yes. oh, she’s quite nice.
me: yep. your type is definitely balien.
and once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. you won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. but one thing is certain. when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.
twc rep (who had been very helpful / nice): anything else i can help you with before you go?
christine: i’ve just never been more discouraged by the experience of being someone’s customer. this has nothing to do with you, you were great, i just want our file to show that like … i am so, so upset to be using this service and making these calls and giving you my money, and if another company could help us, i would choose them immediately.
him: this is off the record, but i feel you.
christine: you’ve been great. sorry to put that on you, but i just want my file to be really serious and scary at this point, ya know? i want it to demand attention. i want like, flames to appear on people’s screens when i call.
him: i totally get it.
why so serious?
do the damn thing.
the only way.
unf unf unf.
down to funk.
jig on, francis.
jig. the fuck. on.