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Men’s Health is also all about finding the sex in everyday activities, all using their signature blend of sciencey-sounding research, a veritable army of doctors, and questionable logic. For example, when at the beach, use a solid-colored blanket — women subconsciously associate stripes and patterns with children. Once you lure her to dinner with your mighty blanket, get the lady some lobster. Why? Because Lobsters are a great source of phosphorus, and phosphorus is ‘the K-Y Jelly of minerals.’ Did you know geology had an official lubricant? Once you get her home, light some scented candles — any scent but cherry. It inhibits sexual arousal, according to someone named Dr. Hirsch.

If you’ve made it that far, gents, you can probably go ahead and have sex. Just be aware that the lady will probably want to complete thirty or so naked activities first. Be prepared to make some naked cocktails, paint the house nude, or strip down to watch a movie. This month’s Cosmo — honest to God — suggests all three, with a caveat on the last: Avoid anything that’ll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad — a jiggly tummy won’t make you feel good.”

– Nerve, Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life