like more than a friend.

Officially, I’m confident no more than 3 people read this blog.  Unofficially, I don’t really care so I’m still going to ask these people for major life advice because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want so just let it go, okay?  Here’s the deal:

1.  I’ve been a paralegal since I graduated college (a year and some change).
2.  I have zero interest in ever doing anything remotely relating to law.  Disgusting.  Gross.
3.  I only accepted the position because I just needed a Jay Oh Be.  Baaaad.
4.  The honeymoon period ended about 2 weeks ago.
5.  Lists should be made in increments of 3, 5, or 10.

If you know me, you know that I’m at my happiest when I’m doing some combination of laughing, writing, organizing, thinking, creating, brainstorming, influencing.  Some might even say, obsessing.  If you don’t know me, you’re probably starting to get a decent idea seeing as how I just described almost all competent yet creative entry level paycheck to paycheck office drones my age still wondering why we were encouraged to graduate from the sublimely sweet comforts of college . . . for this.  Seriously.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know who I want to be.  I don’t know where to go.  It’s like I’ve hit this incredibly terrifying wall built conveniently between myself and my life and it’s leaving me frustrated and jealous and scared and ultimately wincing every time I’m asked what I do for a living.  Comon, do you really care what the answer is slash are you really going to remember any of this conversation, anonymous bar dude standing in my way while I’m trying to take up the least amount of space as I order my overpriced Amstel Light?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  I know most of us end up in this head space at some point, but I’m getting pretty fed up with feeling so stagnant and stale and still.  Therefore, I could really use your advice.  Or a giant kick in the ass.  Maybe both.  What do you think?

What should I do?
Who should I be?
Where should I go?

Thanks in advance,

{Possible answers may include, but are not limited to:  quit your job, don’t quit your job, take a vacation, take a class, take a valium, be an artist, be an ice cream store owner, be a better person, go West, go East, go abroad, go get em’}

  • oh dear God, you sound just like me… unfortunately, the me that happened after I graduated from lawschool. :( I graduated and passed the bar and went through – oh, several jobs before I threw in the towel. Now, I’m trying my hand at writing.

    What to do is something only you can decide. Just pick the one on the top of your list, and don’t look back. But that’s only my opinion, of course. Good luck.

  • Katie

    Ice Cream Shop!

    Or . . .think about the thing you feel most passionate about, the thing you can see in the most detail and do that. Also, you seem really happy in NYC, I think you should stay there.

  • jo

    it’s complicated.

    but my advice (for what it’s worth (not much)) is:
    keep your job. i think it would be foolish to give up something that pays well and where you are at least respected. you are only expected to stay there one more year anyway, and by that time, things with the “economy” could have changed drastically and you might find yourself in a much better position to be looking for work. now is not that time.

    in the mean time though, obviously you have to take care of yourself and try to do things that make you happy/make up for the fact that you might not like the place you go everyday from 9-5. i think your upcoming trip to California may be a sort of “immediate fix” and may refresh you more than you think it will. after that, look into taking an improv class, which is something i think you’ve been missing in your life and i strongly advocate for this in particular seeing as it will be entertaining and challenging and you will meet good people (probably.) as the next year moves along, think of your options “job-wise” and take the year-long commitment you have left to S&I as a blessed window of time in which to think through what you may want to do, including ice cream shop, etc. Look for jobs now, and if something comes up, then go for it…but don’t jump shark on the firm without a plan B. my humble unemployed opinion is that you will (sooner or later) come into contact with the big 3 repercussions of being choosey in a recession: low self esteem, frustration, being poor. none are fun and the third makes living in new york impossible, and even if you are not sure you want to stay in the city, you dont want to leave because you HAVE to, you want to leave if and when you WANT to. big difference.

    in any event i think that keeping abreast of your wants/needs/emotions regarding “what you do” is a smart and essential way to be living and thinking. you are doing it right.

  • so this may be a better response via phone but i’ll try and explain it here as well. feel free to all and discuss. i think i agree with jo on almost all fronts. i’m not good at large paragraphs so i’ll bullet
    – don’t quit your job without a plan, seems unlike you and may make things really hard or stressful.
    – take a vacation or a break, or find something fun that you can look forward to every week. take Amy days, fun days.
    – start looking at jobs or grad programs again… less intensely than during senior year, don’t rush it. start browsing potential open jobs and leave the geographic areas open. maybe you’ll see something in northern ohio or san francisco that looks exciting.
    – don’t give yourself a deadline but try to make progress every few days.

    alright…this was kind of confuddled. i like jo’s response.

    love you lots, call me sometime.

  • jo

    I missed this before, but re: the possible responses.

    Don’t take a valium unless you have enough to share with the class.

  • Jess

    First of all, hang in there. It’s tough to feel so adrift.But honestly, lots of us feel this way on and off. I had a big crisis at 25 when I was enmeshed in grad school and wondering why I was doing what I was. And again now at 32 looking to move on to a “real” job after finishing up a post doc. Keep your job and find something to do in the evenings that you love so you have something to look forward to and be proud of. Don’t go back to school as an escape. Think about what you like to do that makes you the happiest. Talk to lots of people who do weird things for work and find out what/how they got where they are. See if people have ideas for jobs that involve the types of things you like. Read. Think. Listen to avenue Q. Mostly give yourself a break. It is hard to leave college. I still miss it. It’s tough to know what you want or find what you want. Just spend some time thinking about what you like, do something you’re passionate about in your free time. Work towards figuring out what kind of job you could have in the future so you won’t feel like a drone. But we’re all there at some point or another. If you’re lucky it’s not too long. Keep looking for answers but don’t worry if they don’t come. There are really no “right” answers anymore and there are many paths that could make you happy. They’re not hiding. They’re just waiting for you to stumble into them. So think about what you like to do and start moving.

  • The Nine

    Welcome to life at the end of the First American Fantasy. The way forward is bold and lateral. Greetings from the edge of the world. We miss you.